


Three Words For You

by orphan_account



Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: F/M, Fluff and Angst, Kidnapping, Panic Attacks, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Stockholm Syndrome, but i can't write smut so, lots of smut intention
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-08-20
Updated: 2014-09-20
Packaged: 2018-02-13 23:55:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 5
Words: 6,672
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2170155
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A gifted ex-HYDRA agent is forced to confront faces from her past when Captain America himself recruits her to track down his old friend turned Soviet agent, Bucky Barnes.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Peacemaker

**Author's Note:**

> I've only read the The Winter Soldier by Ed Brubaker so this fic is completely based off the Captain America movies (with slight plot adjustments due to my original character and her backstory)

Kirianne pummelled her legs in circles, the pedals locked under her feet and her fists clenching the handlebars like vices, her knuckles white. She focused all of her energy into cycling as fast as she could. The sting of the whistling air as it whipped at her eyes and cheeks and the ache of the muscles in her legs and she relentlessly pedalled her bike through the desolate suburbia gave her a pleasant sensation of relief. It was almost blissful, a therapy of sorts. 

Her nirvana was short-lived as she noticed she had a shadow minutes after leaving base. She formulated a plan to throw them off in her head then winding through streets and round corners until she’d lost them enough to give her time to throw her bike into a hedge and dissipate into thin air.

Two large, coal-coloured SUVs whizzed past where she stood - completely invisible - on the pavement. Once they’d disappeared around the corner, she reappeared then scrambled back onto her bike. She pedalled off in the opposite direction of the vehicles. 

She turned a corner and was faced with another huge utility vehicle speeding towards her. The screeches of the brakes felt deafening. Kirianne threw herself off of her bicycle and landed on her back in the middle of the road, immediately rolling out of the way of the car.

She cursed loudly, struggling to her feet. “What the  _hell_?!” She saw the chunky boots and hem of a heavy leather coat, fluttering slightly in the wind. 

“ _Goddammit_ ,” she muttered under her breath, rising to her feet and facing the director. 

"You’re looking well, Boyle."

A well-built blond man clad in a thermal and jogging pants exited the vehicle after the man, followed by a beautiful woman with fiery red hair.

"What part of ‘leave me the hell alone’ was so hard to register, Fury?" Kirianne spat, dusting off her jeans angrily.

"I’m actually here with a much more…  _desperate_  proposition.”

She narrowed her eyes and crossed her arms across her chest. “Before I pretend to listen, are you going to repair my bike? Remember what happened last time you broke something of mine.”

"Please, Boyle. I’m sure you’ve heard about the mess in D.C."

"I might’ve." she mumbled.

"Allow me to introduce you to my friends. Steve Rogers, this is Kirianne Boyle." Fury said, gesturing to the man who looked like he was training for a marathon.

Steve politely nodded. “It’s nice to meet you.”

"What, am I supposed to bow or something?"

"And this is Natasha Romanoff." 

"Yeah, Nick, I know who they are. I went AWOL, I haven’t been living in a cave." Kirianne said, rolling her eyes.

Fury sighed. He should’ve anticipated that this would be how she would react, and now he was having doubts about her even hearing out his proposal. He also felt guilty for not warning Natasha and Steve of her satirical and contemptuous persona.

"We need you to do a favour for us." The captain spoke up.

Kirianne raised her eyebrows in a mocking manner. “Oh yeah? You do? Well, your friend here should’ve told you that I would rather roll around naked in a hot tub full of broken glass and urine than become a SHIELD agent. It would’ve saved you a trip.”  

Natasha took a step towards her. “You don’t have to become an agent, it’s just one mission. Then we’ll be out of your hair.”

Kirianne gave the redhead a stony glare. “I’m flattered, really, but the answer is still no.”

"Just hear us out, would you? We need you -  _he_  needs you to help find someone.” Nick said, his voice was full of the hardness he usually held but Kirianne could sense the pleading and second-hand desperation that lingered behind his tone. “Show her the file, Romanoff.”

Natasha hand Kirianne a brown manilla folder. She flipped it open and took one look inside before shoving it back into Natasha’s hands and stepping backwards, shaking her head.

"No, no.  _No_.” 

"Kirianne, please." Steve took a bold step towards the woman and placed a hand on her shoulder, which she shook off immediately. "Please, it’s important I find him."

Nick Fury cleared his throat and ushered Natasha back towards the car. “Well, I’ll let you have a stab at it, Captain. You seem to have a talent for convincing young women into doing things. Let’s go, Natasha. We have business to take care of.”

"It was nice meeting you," Natasha said, her voice full of honesty. She gave Kirianne a pitiful glance before climbing into the SUV.

"I can’t… I can’t help you." Kirianne whispered, refusing to meet the captain’s boring gaze.

“ _Please_.” He begged. “He-he’s my best friend. You  _have_  to. You’re the only link I have, everyone else is either dead or has a hit out on me.”

"Look, I just. I can’t, not after-"

"I’m not going to walk around and try and get on with life, knowing that he’s somewhere, out there. Knowing that he’s alive and I’m not with him."

Kirianne bit her lip, contemplating for a second. After a moment, she shook her head. “I can’t.” she repeated.

Steve sighed. “Fine. I understand. I just, can you tell me everything you know? I need all the information I can get my hands on.”

Kirianne stared at the ground, fighting the tears that were threatening to escape. Memories of her past that she’d spent so long trying to erase were flooding back in a tidal wave of fear and terror and suffering. It was overwhelming, she was suddenly full of the familiar regret and panic. 

"I… I don’t know. I didn’t. I don’t really remember anything specific. He- he was their main subject. The main focus. I knew they kept him in cryopreservation when he wasn’t working and that he was really good at what he did."

Kirianne suddenly felt a wave of something painful and sickly and she excused herself to find somewhere out of view to vomit. When she returned, she took a moment to gather herself mentally before continuing.

"I saw his skills first hand because they used me as his… his punch bag. When he needed to train, they’d make me fight against him. At first, it was just for the benefit of his combat, but after a while it sort of became a source of entertainment for them. But, he would never hurt me. It was like we had this… sort of connection. We barely ever spoke. He never said a word. But, he protected me. He never hurt me. And he’d always give me these looks, it was like he actually cared about me. He looked out for me."

Steve’s voice was small. It was strange for Kirianne to witness, she’d always imagined him as this beautiful, mighty hero, almost like an ethereal being. “Even after everything, the torture he suffered and the life that was ripped from him, there was always still a glimmer of something human.”

"I don’t even know his name." The tears spilled from Kirianne’s eyes. She didn’t wipe them away.

"It’s Bucky.  _James_. James Barnes.”

Kirianne pursed her lips. She felt like she was going to collapse. Steve led her to a bench on the sidewalk to sit down.

"He saved my life." Steve said. "He could’ve beaten me to death, he almost did. But he didn’t. I stopped him. He’s still there. I know it, it’s still Bucky."

"You know it’ll take a while. It didn’t take me as long as I thought, but my list of credited kills is significantly shorter than his. You can do it, but it won’t be easy."

Steve nodded to himself. “The last sighting of him was at the Smithsonian Museum in Washington D.C., but he left days ago. My guess is he’s in Brooklyn, probably searching for answers.” The old man with the youthful face paused for a moment. “You can’t live like this. Out here on your own. He needs you too.”

Kirianne closed her eyes and found herself in a cold dark corridor, dressed in black uniform with weapons in her hands. He was there, his once-bright eyes now dark and hollow, glimmered over with the bittersweet sadness cause by her. She could feel him, so vividly. He was stroking her hair, holding her hand and wordlessly comforting her. 

"Help me find him, Kirianne."

"It’s Kit. Call me Kit."


	2. Lonely Hearts Club

Steve had taken her to a hotel in Brooklyn. They were put on a fancy, large private jet to get there. This made Kirianne feel extremely uncomfortable and out-of-place, her grubby nails and Dr. Martens a drastic contrast to the tailored suits and perfectly styled hair on the stewards that offered Kirianne and Steve champagne and appetizers during the flight. The plane must’ve been funded by SHIELD, Kirianne thought. In fact, everything must’ve been funded by SHIELD, as they were issued with a key to a huge penthouse with glass floor-to-ceiling windows that Kirianne was sure you could see the entirety of New York through.

"We’ll get started first thing tomorrow, but for now you should rest." Steve told her, after instructing her on how to use room service and handing her a SHIELD credit card that Fury had set up before. He retired to his room and Kirianne rolled her eyes at the fact that Nick had organized everything before he’d even asked her to do it.

Kirianne slept blissfully. The king-sized hotel bed with tempur pillows and beautifully soft duvet was like sleeping on clouds and candyfloss compared to the top bunk with a scratchy bunk that she barely napped on at the shelter. 

Steve woke her up at six thirty, fully dressed with a mug of coffee in his hand. Kirianne had to mask her overwhelming regret. 

"I think splitting up to cover more ground would be more effective. And we should get started straight away just in case he moves on again." Steve explained the plan whilst Kirianne ate her breakfast.

"Splitting up? There’s only two of us. Don’t you think that’s a bit stupid?" Kirianne took a huge gulp of her tea and hissed as it burnt her mouth.

“ _Three_ , actually. A friend of mine is helping, I sort of promised him that he could help. Sam Wilson. He was a pararescueman, trained by the military. They gave him this specially designed wing pack that enables him to fly which he used in combat. He held Veterans Anonymous meetings but now he’s back on the field. He helped with the whole HYDRA debacle.”

"Yeah, the Falcon, right? I saw him flying around on the coverage."

"He’s a fun guy, I’m sure you’ll like him."

Kirianne stopped herself from rolling her eyes. “Yeah, I’m sure.”

"Anyway, whenever you’re ready, we can go."

She stood up from the her sofa and put away the Winter Soldier’s information files - which she had ready from start to finish at least seventeen times. “Just let me put this tea in a flask.”

"Alright."

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

"OK," Steve said, as the three stood at the door of a tall, shitty looking apartment block. "We have half a dozen SHIELD back-up squads on hand just in case. I’m not saying we’ll need them, but you know… He can be unpredictable. He almost beat me to death. He didn’t, and he wouldn’t have, but he almost did."

Steve sighed and ran a hand through his hair. “Sorry. I’m sure you’re both fully aware the capacity of how dangerous he can be. Let’s go, we can split up when we’re inside.” 

The three of them entered the abandoned building and began their search. Steve took the ground floor, Sam on the middle while Kirianne worked down from the top. 

The place was eerily quiet and empty and set off an unsettling feeling in the pit of Kirianne’s stomach. She kicked open doors and scavenged dusty apartments to no avail. She knew he wasn’t here, and she had a sinking feeling that he knew they were. 

 _James Buchanan Barnes_. She ran that name through her head over and over, a thousand times. It was so alien for here to think about. She’d seen the emptiness in his eyes and the hollowness in the rare words he spoke and the mechanical way he wiped his targets off the face of the Earth. It always seemed to her that he didn’t have a name. He was a weapon. A murdering machine. He was the Winter Soldier. That was all he ever was to her. 

Yet there was something, a small sort of tether, that made her give in. The reason why she agreed to helping Steve. She couldn’t put her finger on it, but there was some emotional connection between her and the cold, merciless assassin. It was the reason why she felt a slight tinge of regret when she escaped from HYDRA and found a new life on the other side of the country. It was why her dreams were filled with images of his face every single night.

They scratched away his memory at every given opportunity, but for some reason he always remembered her. She could tell by empathetic look he would give her as they were thrown into a training room together. It always plagued her; if she’d asked, would he have fled from their tyrannical captors with her?

Kirianne had reached the floor Sam had started on and was about to buzz through to Steve when she heard his voice through her earpiece. 

"Bucky’s been spotted. We’ll meet you outside."

"Be right there." Kirianne confirmed, before hopping into the elevator.

She was outside of the building for seconds before a cold, strong hand gripped onto her forearm and yanked her into the alley between the block she was just in and it’s neighbor. 

Her hands flew up to stop herself and were met with a strong chest clad in a white shirt and a leather jacket. Muscled arms were wrapped around her waist and she found herself being lifted slightly from the ground. His heavy, deep breathing tickled her ear. Kirianne sighed with relief. It was James.

"I thought you were dead." he spoke. It sent a wave of a foreign emotion through her, she’d heard his voice on so little an occasion that she couldn’t remember what it sounded like. It was strangled, full of pain.

"I thought you were dead." he repeated, this time with more relief in his tone. 

He held her tight to him for a moment, the only sound was their erratic breathing, before he set her down and dragged her out into the street where a circle of armed SHIELD agents were stood.

James drew a gun from his back pocket and pressed it to her temple, his other hand clamped around her arm like a vice. 

Kirianne’s eyes were wide with fear as they searched for Steve and Sam. The pair jogged up to the scene but stopped short when they saw what was happening. Steve gave the squad leader a harsh look. They lowered their firearms, but James didn’t. 

"Bucky…" Steve said with caution, raising his arms out. "Put the gun down."

Kirianne felt the gun shake slightly against her skull. She was pressed tightly against his chest, his breathing clear in her ears. 

"Let her go, Buck."

"Leave me  _alone_.” he growled. His voice was menacing and it sent chills of terror through Kirianne. She could still detect the slight Russian accent in his words.

Steve dismissed the back-up and they reluctantly left. It was just the four of them. James never lowered his weapon from Kirianne’s head. A renegade tear fell from Kirianne’s eye. A fibre of her being honestly believed that he would blow her brains out right there. 

"Bucky, don’t do anything you’re going to regret." Steve warned.

"I’m going to leave now." James said, sternly. "And you’re not going to follow me."

Remorse flashed across Steve’s face and he glanced down at the floor. He had thrown himself into this, with thoughts of being happily reunited with his childhood pal in mind. He should’ve known that this would be the result. 

"OK," The captain said, regretfully. "OK, Bucky. Go. We won’t follow you."

"I’m taking her with me."

"Bucky,  _no_!”

Steve ran out to stop him, but his actions weren’t fast enough. James hooked his bionic arm round Kirianne’s waist and effortlessly threw her over his shoulder. 

"Kit!"

Steve yelled to her, but Kirianne didn’t fight back. Instead, she gripped onto James’ shoulders and let him sprint away with her through the back streets of Brooklyn.


	3. Snake Charmer

"Where are you taking me?"

"Somewhere safe."

Kirianne sighed quietly then leant back, her head hitting the rest. She’d teamed up with Steve because she knew that there was something inside her that cared for the complex man beside her. However, there was no part of her that didn’t doubt the fact that she was completely and utterly terrified in that moment. 

She fiddled with her seatbelt, actually considering unbuckling and doing a jump and roll out of the car. Of course, she wouldn’t. Hopping out of Range Rover that was doing 45 MPH would be a much more painful death than being shot in the head by an ex-Soviet assassin. 

"It’s OK," he said, his voice low and slightly hesitant. 

Kirianne gave him a confused glance. “What do you mean?”

"You’re fidgeting."

She bit her lip and her face flushed crimson. She was embarrassed just to be in his presence, every cautious look that was sent her way made her feel thoroughly ridiculed. “Oh, I didn’t…”

"I’m not gonna hurt you, Kirianne."

"How do you know my name?"

James furrowed his eyebrows together but his eyes didn’t leave the road ahead of him. “I’ve always known your name.”

"I didn’t know yours." she said, almost under her breath. Her voice cracked slightly, she hated that fact. She hated it so much.

"I know you didn’t."

Kirianne took a shaky breath. “I’m so sorry, James-“

"Call me Bucky." he interrupted her, his voice significantly louder than before. Kirianne jumped an inch off the seat.

"Please," he continued. "I-it helps me… remember things. It’s what people used to call me. It’s a trigger."

"OK…  _Bucky_.”

The corner of his mouth twitched into a small smile. Kirianne felt her heart swelling in her chest. He was a very beautiful man, the kind of effortless beauty that would be a lot more approachable if the twisted, somewhat vacant look in his eye didn’t exist. His hazel hair exaggerated the definition of his jaw. It was shorter than she remembered, she assumed he’d got it cut. 

"After the HYDRA crumbled, after I left Steve on that beach, I went back to the initial base that they kept me in and stole all of my files, all of your files and at least one hundred thousand dollars in cash. I bought a farm from this old man who’s on the verge of death. It’s in the countryside of Virginia. They won’t find us there, I got a safe house in Arizona put under my name."

Kirianne took a moment to admire his plan. She cleared her throat awkwardly in preparation for her impending question. “Why are you hiding from him?”

Bucky sucked in a breath, making her immediately regret her question. After a while, he finally broke the unnerving silence. 

"I’m not ready. I’m not ready to face him yet."

"But you’re ready for me?"

This time he did look at her. Only fleetingly, of course, so he didn’t get distracted from the task of driving, even though they were on a two lane dirt road and hadn’t passed a car since they left New York and entered New Jersey. Ever since they were reunited, every action he performed and word he spoke and a sense of uncertainty to it, but the look that he gave her was so confident and assured. 

"I was always ready for you."

Kirianne blushed furiously and looked down, her knees becoming suddenly interesting. “I’m sorry I left you. I wanted to ask you. I wanted more than anything to run away with you but I knew that if you did they’d follow us. I was a lot less important to them, I had to be selfish or I’d be caught.”

"It’s OK. I’m glad you did." Bucky turned off onto another track. Kirianne was starting to feel uneasy over the fact that they’d been driving on the same road for almost three hours. "When I noticed that you were gone I completely gave in. I realized that I had absolutely nothing to hold on to. I felt like I had no reason anymore. Then it hit me that you were so much better off, and the thought of you being free from their torture and you could finally live the life you deserved gave me a tiny bit of clarity."

"I didn’t think you remembered me."

"Galerkin, the scientist that wiped me, he caught onto our relationship. He used it as a system of manipulation. He didn’t touch that part of my memory, so the only thing that I remembered was you. They thought it would prevent me from running again. The last time I did was before they found you. It worked."

"You remembered me." Kirianne stared down into the footwell, completely awestruck. She had always challenged whether he really even knew her. She’d told herself that the emotion she felt towards him was completely unrequited. 

"I did. I remembered you."

They finally rounded off onto a main road after falling into a comfortable silence. Bucky suggested they find somewhere to get food and relieve themselves to prepare for the rest of the drive. After a few miles of keeping eyes-peeled they found a 7-Eleven. 

Kirianne went straight to the restroom as she’d been bursting pretty much since they got in the car but she felt too awkward to say anything. Once she’d done her business and washed her hands, she left the toilet to see the till worker looking uneasy and casting investigative glances over the short shelves. 

"Is everything alright?" Kirianne asked the woman.

"Oh! You gave me a shock. No, everything is fine, dear. It’s just that man, he seems really suspicious and I’m keeping an eye on him."

Kirianne followed her studying gaze and her eyes landed on Bucky, who was leaning over a shelf of tinned food, his hair falling into his eyes and his brow deeply furrowed. Kirianne had to subdue a chuckle. 

"Sorry, that’s my uh- that’s my boyfriend. He just got back from being stationed in Europe. He’s a bit shaken up."

The woman threw her head back and clutched at her chest, a melodramatic sign of relief. “Oh! So, he’s a soldier?”

"Veteran. That was his last tour. He was technically fired, severe PTSD."

"Oh, poor dear. I bet you’re glad to have him back?"

Kirianne was glad that she didn’t have to lie to answer this question. “Yeah. I’m so happy.”

The old woman smiled. “Well, tell him that everyone is extremely proud of him for the service that he’s done for this country.”

The situation was ironic, if only this poor old woman knew what ‘service’ Bucky had been doing for the past 50 years. “I will.”

Kirianne crossed over to him and placed a tentative hand on his human arm. He spun around in surprise but his muscles relaxed and features softened when he noticed who it was. He offered her a small smile.

"Shall we just get some sandwiches, eat them on the road."

Bucky nodded. “Yeah sure, what do you want?”

"Whatever you’re having." 

Kirianne noticed how he kept his metal arm stuffed deep in his pocket, the green parka sleeve covering the rest of it. She quickly purchased the turkey sandwiches and Diet Cokes, receiving a warm grin and a cheery “Goodbye!” from the cashier woman, then rushed out to meet Bucky by the car. She noticed how desperately he tried to keep a disguise. For him, that meant minimal communication with other humans. Kirianne decided to make a point of telling him that that made him seem even more suspicious.

"Hey," she said, putting the plastic bag containing their food in the footwell and climbing up into the car. 

"Hey." he replied. Bucky studied her every move, he was trying to detect any discomfort in her. The last thing he wanted was for her to be reluctant about his plan on taking her away. He’d only just realized that he’d never really asked for her consent. 

He reached over with his human arm and tucked a renegade strand of hair behind her ear. Kirianne’s breath caught in her throat as his fingers ever so slightly brushed her cheek. 

"Are you scared of me?"

Kirianne’s mouth parted but she struggled to find anything to say. The man beside her was the most beautiful creature she’d ever laid eyes on and their past was a firm tether from her to him. But she’d be lying if she said that the blood on his hands didn’t strike a small degree of fear in her. She knew that what he did was none of his fault, it was something she empathized with. She’d been down the same path. Though, beneath it all there was the fact that no one could deny. He was a ruthless killer.

She resorted to shaking her head. Bucky frowned. The reaction made her realize that she’d done the wrong thing, but she didn’t trust her own voice.

His hand hesitantly cupped her cheek.

"Kirianne, I promise that I will do everything I can to protect you. I won’t let any harm ever come your way again. OK?"

Kirianne offered him a soft smile which he reciprocated.

Bucky sat back in his set and started up the engine, mumbling about how they had another four hours ahead of them and they should really get going.

"You know," Kirianne said, the smile still playing at her lips and Bucky’s gentle touch lingering on her skin. "You can just call me Kit." 


	4. Restless Heart Syndrome

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry if this is kind of short.

Kirianne had slept for the most part of the drive. Bucky couldn't stop himself from stealing glances every now and then. They were mainly to check that she was still breathing, the effects of being off cryo and memory erasure for so long had increased his paranoia. He also just wanted to _look_ at her, because he hadn't been able to for so long. He enjoyed looking at her face because every other face brought him an overwhelming sense of _something_ terrible. At one point, he pulled into a lay-by and just watched her sleep until he felt drowsy himself. 

He'd noticed everything about her that had changed. Her hair was longer and waved past her shoulders - loose, not scraped back into a tight bun like she was ordered to have it. She'd obviously seen the sun more as the freckles that danced across her button nose were more prominent. Her legs were longer, breasts were bigger - Bucky coughed awkwardly and shifted in his seat as his head fogged with images of her body and the changes she'd made since the last time he'd seen her. It killed him slightly that he'd missed this type of growth in her. It killed him that he'd missed her. Bucky finally fell asleep and dreamt of her. 

She stirred when they were back on the road. "Morning," he said. "I stopped by an IHOP and got some breakfast."

Kirianne stretched her arms and rubbed her eyes. Once she focused she noticed Bucky nodding towards the footwell where an IHOP plastic bag was sitting that was slightly warm against her feet. She fished around and produced her food.

"Chocolate chip pancakes, my favourite!"

"Really? I just guessed."

Kirianne smiled warmly. Then she did something that she wouldn't dare do if she was't delirious from lack of sleep and excited about the thought of take-out IHOP. She leaned over and planted a kiss on Bucky's cheek. Then Bucky did something in years and years - he blushed. 

"Thank you, Bucky."

Bucky quickly peeked her way, an affectionate smile playing on his lips. "Anything for you."

Kirianne crossed her eyebrows and cocked her head as she watched Bucky with a dubious expression. "Is that what this is about? Are you trying to bribe me, is there some sort of catch-"

" _No_ , Kit. I... That's not what this is about. I just... I don't know I guess I..."

Kirianne giggled. "I was kidding, Bucky. I know. You feel guilty about the years that I spent as your part-understudy-part-punchbag and the stress and trauma of your time as the Winter Soldier has made you blame every bad thing that you were involved in on yourself. And now you feel like you have to make it up to me because I was the only person you encountered at HYDRA that wasn't putting needles in your arm or pads on your temple or shoving you onto a battlefield. _I get it_. And it's OK. You don't have to make it up to me and I don't need to forgive you for anything."

"Did you come up with that on the spot or were you waiting for when you could tell me?"

She sighed and leant back in her seat. "I may have been waiting for a cue."

"Well," Bucky chuckled. "Thanks. I needed it. And that may be the case, but I'm also doing it because I care about you and I'm making up for not saying that before."

Kirianne chewed on her lip, unsure of what to say to that. 

"We're here."

Bucky had bought a huge four-bedroom farmhouse and sold all the animals that came with it, then he paid a local to supply the whole house whilst he picked up some things from Brooklyn and Kirianne's remaining stuff from South Dakota. It kind of creeped Kirianne out, but she ignored the slightly stalkerish sense about his actions and tried to regard it as sweet. She spent the day helping Bucky unpack and organize and trying to figure out how to ask him what the hell she was doing there. She still felt slightly awkward around him and she'd be lying if she said that the metal arm wasn't in the least bit intimidating. By eight thirty, she was completely spent and crashed in one of the king beds upstairs.

A muffled cry broke Kirianne from slumber. She fumbled around for some pants to put on and blindly stumbled into the hall. It took a moment for her ears to adjust, but as soon as they did and as soon as she heard the choked panting and strangled yelling, she sprinted into Bucky's room. She knew what was happening.

"Bucky!"

She jumped onto his bed and crawled to the headboard where Bucky was sat, hunched over, clutching at the sheets, choking and spluttering. He was heavy - _very_ heavy - and it took a lot of strength to pull him forward and scuttle behind him. She'd visited a therapist under a pseudonym and learnt a technique that she'd then taught her roommate. Kirianne put her legs either side of Bucky's then wrapped her arms around his waist, her chest against his back.

"Bucky, listen to _me_. Bucky - you need to focus on my voice, OK?"

She lightly squeezed his waist as she spoke.

"Bucky, I need you breathe slow, OK? Then I need you to listen to my instructions."

She felt so silly, giving orders to him. But it had to be done. She wasn't going to just leave him there until it subsided.

"OK, Bucky. Now I'm gonna need you to do what I say, alright?" She took both of his hands and placed one on his abdomen and one just above his breastbone. Bucky let her, his main focus was just trying to _breathe_. For some reason, every time he gasped for air the pain just grew. "OK, now I need to to exhale for me. Just a little sigh, come on Bucky."

Bucky furrowed his brow and focused on this order, something that he was accustomed to taking. With difficulty, he managed to let out a gentle sigh. Kirianne smiled to herself.

"Good, now hold your breath for a couple of seconds."

He did as she instructed.

"You're doing great, now inhale."

They repeated the process for a few minutes until Kirianne was sure he'd fully recovered. She untangled herself from him then stood up from the bed.

"Thank you, Kit. I... uh, I guess I should've warned you about that before. I - I talked to the guy who owned this place, he's a veteran. He told me what to do when it happened, I guess it just feels more natural when someone else is telling me what to do."

Kirianne frowned. "It's OK, Bucky."

"Hey, where'd you learn to do that?"

"Just... just a friend. She gets 'em too."

"Oh."

Kirianne sighed then turned to leave.

"Wait." Bucky caught his bottom lip with his teeth. "Please... could you stay with me? Just tonight?"

Kirianne smiled, warmly then climbed back into the bed. Bucky reached over with his metal arm and pulled her flush against his chest. She shivered at the contact, but soon it felt comfortable. She felt safe and secure, snuggled against Bucky with his indestructible bionic limb guarded around her back.

Bucky pressed a wet kiss to her forehead. "Goodnight, Kirianne." 


	5. Cabin Fever

Kirianne had spent too much time in the farmhouse, with and without Bucky. She was restless, to say the least. He would disappear a lot, with no rationale and whenever she proposed they go out he would snap and reject her suggestion. His mood oscillated like nothing she’d ever seen and she’d grown tired of it. She was beginning to feel like a hostage, and the purpose of her presence was still incalculable. 

 

After the night where they shared a bed she began to feel increasingly uncomfortable around him, while he grew closer. He wouldn’t even flinch if their skin brushed or when he walked past her room when the door was ajar and she was almost naked, whereas Kirianne felt thoroughly embarrassed. She wanted more than anything to go for a walk or visit the town or do something, _anything_ that involved leaving the house. 

 

She made breakfast for herself while Bucky made a loud rattle in the basement. He came up with stripes of dust on his face and greasy hands. Kirianne decided against a comment, she’d kept relatively quiet ever since he’d seen a glimpse of her bare bottom, and instead handed him a damp rag to clean up with.

 

“I’m going to get some groceries in a minute.” He stated flatly. 

 

“Can I come with you?”

 

“I’d rather you didn’t.”

 

Kirianne sighed and retired to the armchair in the corner of the large kitchen. She knew that would be the peak of communication between them that day and watched him with a frown as he pulled on a hooded jacket and left the house without a farewell. 

 

She dumped her plate and cutlery into the sink, causing a clatter. Her head fell into her hands and she leant their, with her elbows pressed against the cold granite, for minutes. Bucky had begun to develop into a objectionable man. His prior trajectory had disappeared and he was no longer the person she felt attracted to as a little girl. Of course, the unorthodox feelings that had been blooming when they were together before were always romantic. Toxic, definitely. Dangerous and utterly absurd, but romantic. Kirianne had never known whether that affection was reciprocated and she’d given up on it. He had been a destructive, desolate machine filled with vacant stares and explicit orders. Now he was struggling to find a definition of himself whilst handling a bedevilled soul. Kirianne failed to find a basis for her role in that. If she was being honest with herself, she didn’t really want to have a part in it. 

 

When he returned, she stood awkwardly in the space of the front hall, her bottom lip held captive by her teeth. 

 

“Hey,” he smiled. “Something wrong?”

 

“Not really, I just think I might have cabin fever.”

 

He frowned, and dropped the two paper bags full of groceries on the island. “I don’t really want you leaving the house.”

 

“Why not? I mean, it’s not like anything is going to happen to me, right? We’re in the middle of nowhere. I don’t understand. Why am I even here?”

 

He slammed a metal fist into the dark counter, the unnatural limb creating harsh marks across the glistening surface. “I don’t want to talk about this. Not now, I’m tired.”

 

“Well, I’m making you. I’m starting to feel like a prisoner in here.”

 

“ _Shut up_.” Bucky turned around with a threatening glare, something that she’d never seen on him before, but was nothing short of menacing. “You’re not leaving this goddamn house unless I say it’s alright, and that’s final. You got that?”

 

“But-“

 

“For _fuck’s_ sake, Kirianne. Shut up. Leave me alone.” 

 

“Bucky, this isn’t _fair_.”

 

“ _Leave me alone_!” He roared, causing her to stumble back with shock. 

 

Kirianne held her ground. Suddenly, she felt the same sensation of the confrontation from HYDRA agents all those years ago. She stared up at Bucky with fear and distaste, mirroring her younger self.

 

“No. I’m not leaving until you give me some kind of explanation. Or you let me go outside. I won’t be alone, we can go together. I don’t see what’s so wrong with that.”

 

“What part of ‘that is final’ do you not understand? Was I not making myself clear, you’re not leaving. Quit whining, you sound like that stupid little girl in the training room.”

 

“Excuse me?”

 

Bucky’s jaw locked, Kirianne couldn’t tell, but he regretted the words as they left his mouth. “Look-“

 

“Are you serious? Wow, what happened to ‘I care about you’ and ‘I was already for you’ and all of that bullshit? Were you just buttering me up so I’d come with you. What are you gonna get me to do, huh? What is this all about?”

 

“Listen to me, that is not what this is.” 

 

“Then what is it? Please, enlighten me. What is this all about, James?”

 

Bucky sighed and ran a hand through his hair. “It’s difficult. I can’t… I’m sorry-“

 

“You’re unbelievable.” Kirianne spat with a roll of her eyes. “I’m leaving.”

 

“ _No_.” 

 

Kirianne stormed towards the front door without picking up anything, she just made a beeline for the exit. Bucky was too fast for her, she should’ve anticipated that. He took two strides after her and circled his bionic arm around her waist, picking her up and carrying her away from her escape like a rag doll. Kirianne pummelled her fists against his back and screamed in protest, but Bucky marched her away to her room, his jaw set and his eyes boring ahead as he strode. 

 

He pinned her the bed and reached underneath it. His arm returned from where the duvet hanging off the bed hid it and Kirianne caught a glimpse of the ceiling lights being reflected of rings of metal. 

 

“I didn’t want to have to do this.” Bucky said, lowly, before Kirianne heard a clink and felt a cool sensation circling her wrists. She tugged her hands away but they were locked to the bedpost.

 

“Bucky!”

 

“You gave me no choice, Kitty.” Bucky stood up and made his way towards the door. Kirianne yelled his name again, fighting against her restraint. 

 

She watched him with horror and in an instant everything made sense. “Bucky!”

 

Bucky left the room, shutting the door behind him with a soft click. Kirianne screamed and screamed after him, her pleas echoing through the broad corridor. He sighed and slipped the small key into his front pocket. His climbed the stairs slowly, his heavy footsteps in perfect sync with Kirianne’s muffled cries.


End file.
